finding love again

My promise to myself of getting all my work done by Friday evening so I can have the weekend off is working out well. Treating Uni like a job rather than a lifestyle. I'm so sick of having to-dos and stress constantly lingering over my head. This way, I get to relax on the weekends and put time into my hobbies. Time to find the real me, improve the real me, and just generally feel better about everything. Sure, an empty two days results in an opportunity for depressive feelings and a low mood to harvest. That being said, this first attempt at a chill weekend has gone well. It's only Saturday afternoon though.

I watched a few episodes of Netflix, read my book, and then studied some Japanese. Yeah, you read correctly. I actually studied Japanese. For the first time in four years. I thought fuck this. Actually, fuck this degree. I don't want to learn about fucking Nietzsche or the conjugations of traer. I don't give a fuck. Yet I need the degree. I will get my degree and I'm planning on doing well at it, but I'm not going to let it take over my entire life when there are other things and interests I have. For four years, I've let learning Japanese become this memory of a living nightmare. And yes, in many cases it was a living nightmare but as I've grown older I've realised that every year, there's at least one stage that sucks. I can't let a shitty era taint my ideas about who I am and what I love. I love painting but A-level art shouldn't have stopped me from painting for two years. but it did. I'm not letting another love of mine go to waste because some shitty people stained my rose-tinted glasses.

So Japanese again it is. I'm going to keep it chill. I've downloaded "Genki book 1" and each weekend, I'll work little by little through that. I spent today trying to refresh my mind of hiragana. I reckon I've got a solid grasp of about 40 characters. Still got six more and then of course the ones with the little speech marks on the sides. Hopefully, I will have them memorised by tomorrow evening. Then next week will be katakana. Then I can really get going with Genki 1. 

I'm also getting back into my reading again. This isn't a new thing. Partly because I want to write better and also because television these days is shit. I'm reading "The talented Mr.Ripley" and about a quarter of the way through. It's really getting good and I'm enjoying Patricia Highsmith. I have a short story collection to read afterward. 

I also went today to the peak district today with my house. I'm still struggling to work out if they like me. Whilst I was invited along last night, there was no mention of it today and as I came down for a cuppa, they were all ready to go out and had made sandwiches. They said that they just thought I was having a relaxed day in but it made me feel like they actually didn't want me to come. I reckon if I hadn't come down at the right moment, they would have just left without me. Roberts did apologise but I really felt left out. I wonder if they find me annoying or I talk too much. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking too much and have to stop myself. It's always difficult to gauge if anyone likes you but at the minute I'm really feeling like a lot of people dislike me. I'm trying not to overthink it as there's not much I can do if they don't but it's a constant struggle to figure out how people perceive you. It's not enjoyable. Luckily I'm perfectly happy to spend most days alone and doing my own thing. 

Oliver is coming back tomorrow night. I feel like he's struggling with this new job and isn't enjoying it. It sounds absolutely exhausting. 

Another thing I'm worried about is whether or not he'll stick around. I feel as though we're both going in completely different directions. His aim is to end up at Silverstone. SILVERSTONE. I mean where even is that. The middle of nowhere. There is no way in hell that I'd be able to find a job or make a life there. I also still want to do my master's in Creative writing or publishing. How on earth will our relationship work if he's in a field somewhere and I'm in London. I guess we're making it work right now but it will later become clearer where our life is going at the end of this academic year. I'll probably look back at this and think "stupid girl, she should've ended it then". But it's best not to think about when I'm perfectly happy here by myself and the idea of another man makes me sick. They're just an annoying distraction and I have too much to do right now. 

That's all really. 

L


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