Fucked up

 Urgh, why am I so fucked up in the head? I have a fantastic boyfriend, who treats me well, good-looking, a god in bed. Why for the love of God can I not get J out of my damn head? He was self-obsessed, boring, unadventurous, but I care so much about why the fuck he didn't fall in love with me? and why the fuck I fell in love with him? I almost got over it until he started dating his new girlfriend Michaela Field. I spoke to him a few months ago and found him uninteresting. I ended up ignoring his replies and never thought about it again. I can't even remember what he said. 

I find myself not fixated on J, but on M. I've always been like this; I still stalk the socials of R and Y, the new (now ex) girlfriends of previous crushes N and C. When was the last time I stalked N, C, or J? Honestly, it was so long ago I have no idea. R, Y, and M are stuck in my head though. The girls that got the guys I always wanted. 

With N, he was a prick who didn't even bother to get to know me and I was a useless virgin who didn't even know what he meant when he asked me to sit on his face. I was moving to Spain anyway. It makes sense, going for R, and he let me know multiple times when he was drunk that he still wanted me. 

C was an Ariana-Grande-obsessed lazy but probably burnt-out and depressed crush I had in first year as well. Before N, when I was even more of a virgin. Nothing really interesting or scandalous there. Y however, can't get the damn girl out of my head. 

And J. Fucking J. Those first few dates and days of knowing one another was fucking great. I will never ever forget that feeling of naive young lust. How you said you were "obsessed" with me. How our relationship "felt right" and "different" from your relationships with other women. Well, that was all bullshit, wasn't it? Only a few weeks and then you turned into an abusive cunt. Fucking me mechanically and treating me like a hole that was readily available. Using me as your supply of weed. Then it got worse. The lies. When you could tell that I was going crazy because of you, pulling away from you, reaching my breaking point. "I really have deep feelings for you Liana". Fuck off you manipulative sick fuck. I could never lead someone on like you lead me on. How could you lie so easily? How could you be so content with making me feel like shit constantly. And that last time we had sex when you lied again and told me you really liked me when I was madly in love with you. You realised you fucked up yet again, and sometimes I wonder if maybe you weren't lying. Maybe you did care about me like you said but couldn't deal with it. So naturally beating me as hard as you did during sex was the right thing to do, wasn't it? Leaving my legs and arse bright blue with bruises. You sadistic fuck. 

And now you've got a new girl. But this time you actually let yourself fall for her? Was it the convenience of her that allowed you to let go and love? She's in Norfolk, graduated, likes vintage fashion (according to Pinterest). Perfect for you. What I can't handle is knowing that she gets the side of you that I so desperately wanted. The side that made me fall deeply in love with you. The funny side, the caring side, the side that looked after me and complimented me. When you acted differently from all the other misogynistic cunts I had dealt with. She gets that J. I got the manipulative, abusive twat who saw me like a hole once the enigma of me wore off. That's what I'm jealous of. M gets the Jthat I so desperately wanted but realized was never going to exist for me. 

Now I've got Oliver. Everything I wanted J to be. But I'm pissed. I'm pissed that my heart had to break and I had to endure J's shit. I'm pissed that three years later, J is the guy that I wanted, but is now out of my reach. 

Why the fuck can I not let go? Why can't I let Oliver fully in? I need Oliver to be toxic, to hurt me, to run away. I need to have to fight for him, to truly want him the way I wanted J. But he's never going to be toxic, I am always going to be the toxic one. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

short story 1

 Like every night for the past month, Marco De Lauretis sits in his car on the corner of Wellington Drive. As he takes a stab at the crosswords in the daily paper, the sun reaches its final resting point and darkness swallows the street; the only light peeking through the shutters of the bay windows of a grand Victorian townhouse across from him. He manages to mark a letter in the last empty box of his crossword and looks up at the house, letting out a sigh of frustration.  Why did you close the damn shutters , he thinks to himself as he turns the key in the ignition.  Just as he's reversing out of the drive, he takes one last look at the house and sees the lights switch off. He hastily brakes before reminding himself that his sudden movements will only draw attention. In a quiet neighborhood like this, residents tend to keep note of comings and goings. As he slides forward into his previous parking spot, he begins to watch the house meticulously.  The door slowly op...
Read more

Artist study: The photography of Kate Holstein

Image
After scrolling endlessly through Pinterest and Instagram, I've taken the leap into picking up my own camera and giving it a shot. One of my favourite photographers is Kate Holstein. She takes stunning photographs of landscapes and portraits (also dabbling in interiors but I reckon that's commercial work). Visit her website here - https://www.kateholstein.com/  Her photographs have a calm, tranquil feel about them. They're bright, almost overexposed, with the occasional pop of blue or a sandy orange. She tends to take photos from afar, with only one, or a couple of people in it, focusing mostly on the environment around them. Their tiny figures almost seem like they're drowning in a stunningly beautiful environment, yet this somehow creates a calm atmosphere.  Whilst I, unfortunately, don't live in St.Barts like Kate, I do have playa de las Canteras at my doorstep. Armed with my camera and Sigma 35mm lens, I headed to the beach at golden hour, in an attempt to recre...
Read more

Thinking about how to build an effective female character in the context of sex

 Every day, after returning from University, I sit down and eat my lunch in front of YouTube. Time and time again, I get recommended videos analysing female characters, whether it be in film, literature, or art.  There is the cliché of male writers, creating female characters which tend to follow this description: "The cold air made my hair stand up from the roots, the way my nipples stand erect, every follicle on my arms and legs becoming a tiny clitoris"  (I have no clue which book this is but this is one of the many examples I found on google) First thoughts are undoubtedly, 'what the actual fuck', and of course, this is an extreme case. However, the majority of female characters who are composed by men, have their sexual behaviour central to their description. There is a descriptive concentration on looks perceived by the heterosexual male eye. There is often no description of her character unless it relates to the man's sexual desires. (This has immediately g...
Read more